Tuesday, December 31, 2002


Well tomorrow is the day, I've spent a majority of this day running around the house finding all the things that I have stashed in random places since I've been home and now am pretty sure that I'm packed. I'm not sure whether it's fortunate or not, but my mom is going to be taking me out to breakfast tomorrow before I leave and then I'm hitting the road hopefully by or before 11AM. I'm destined for Davis by 4 if at all possible. Looking at the weather forcast I think that I picked a good day to leave. It looks like it's just going to continue to get nastier as the week progresses. In all seriousness I should probably be leaving today but it's New Year's eve and I can't miss that!!! I unfortunately had to miss out on going puddle jumping with Sammot and a bunch of people today because of this packing bit, but apparently it was a success, a bunch of people showed up that half weren't even expected. What is puddle jumping you might ask? Well not to sound smart ass or anything (if you know me at you know I'm lying now...) but puddle jumping is going and jumping in puddles. Sounds like fun doesn't it?

On another note, I finally finished the Harry Potter series. It's completed at last, then I was looking on my computer. I happened to glance into the recycle bin and was going to toss some stuff until I saw some old supposed e-books of Harry Potter that I had never got to work. They now had an icon next to them and the extension on them was familiar now. ".PDB" "Why," I says to myself, "That is a database for a palm PDA." Upon which realization I transferred them to my palm and was pleasantly disgruntled to see they worked. Pleasant because I had my own copies now, disgruntled because I had just finished reading them... Oh well.

I don't think that I've talked about this on here but normally on New Year's Eve we have a party with the same group of friends and we all get together and that's fun. This year however, about 3/4 of these friends were invited to another party and are going to be going there. I was invited to this party as well and told that I could bring along whomever I wanted. That was all find and dandy we were going to merge the two parties is was going to be great. Then I get a call yesterday saying, "you weren't going to bring Ashley were you?" I had planned on it, but the host told me in so many words that she wasn't welcome. So now all the people that she normally has New Year's Eve with are invited to and probably going to this other party and she can't. That makes for a really sucky situation. I've gone over in my head how to remedy the situation but there really isn't anything that I can think of that would make it all work out. So yeah, that's all I have to say about that...

THIS IS MY 21st ENTRY (I think) and that means that I actually have a history now on my Livejournal. That's amazing!! Well Happy New year to you all!!!!!

Sunday, December 29, 2002

Lazy Day

I slept in this morning, because I really felt like it. I had been considering going to Church but changed my mind because it felt so good in bed. I then sat and down and proceeded to read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I'm really flying through the books now that I have time to sit down and read. I finished the third book in a day and I'm already 250 pages through the fourth book. Ahhhhh...I love being able relax and do what I want. I still have pressing business that I should attend to but I'm not going to I'm going to revel in these relaxing days whilst I still can. Amazing how quickly they are going. I only have about 3 more days til I'm going to be leaving back down south. WOW!!!! That's really quickly.
Ok so New Year's is approaching and Will broached to me the question of New Year's resolutions. I ahdn't even thought about it. So I've decided that I'll write down what I think I want to get accomplished in the next year I'm not sure if they are really resolutions but oh well. So here goes:

I'm going to make sure that I learn Japanese continually. Or at least to keep studying diligently.
I'm going to hopefully use my new Sony Clie to keep myself in line and get things done like I'm supposed to instead of wasting time.
I want to try and read more often besides just text books.
I'm going to try and cut down on the club activities that I'm a part of and work more on my own interests outside of those clubs (yeah, like this is going to happen...)

That's a fairly ambitious list for me. On another note I was talking with Jason Reno and found out about some construction that's going to be going on in this area that is going to take like 6 months to complete and is going to back up traffic for miles. This construction is going to start 4 days after I leave and end like 5 days before I'm going to be coming back home. What good timing I have!!! :)

It's been raining like the entire time that I've been up here and I found out yesterday that there was over 2 feet of new snow on Mt. Ashland in one night. I really wanted to go snowboarding but it doesn't look like that is going to happen unless Will changes his mind and does it tomorrow. That would be something if that happens but I doubt it. OH!! I got two new Japanese books, I'm stoked they look like they are going to be pretty useful, especially paired with all the books that I already have and the awesome help that I get from the Asai Family.
Well that's all for now, toodaloo!

Friday, December 27, 2002


Well tonight I finally talked. There is just one last thing to do. It's a good thing that I'm not the only that sees things my way.

On another note, I tried to call Pam a couple of times and didn't get any response. I wonder where she is??? I even went so far as to call the actual house @ 10:30 and was quite worried that I was going to get a groggy male voice (her dad) on the other end. So after the 5th ring I gave up.

I went hung out with Jason Reno and Sammot today. That was fun, though Jason Reno and I both got PDA's for christmas so we were comparing and talking about that way more than we should of been and poor Sammot had to sit there and listen, but I tell you it was really good to see her. I haven't really been able to spend much time with her in a long time. I think really since last new year's. I'm definitely going to have to go and hang out with her again before I go.

I also had Jason Reno come play DDR with me. That was fun, it was over at the bowling alley because that is a nice machine, but it was cold today. So when I started DDRing without having warmed up, my legs cramped. Not fun.
Well look who finally called. Hehehe :) I'm horrible.

Thursday, December 26, 2002

I'm on a roll...

So this morning was the first morning that I actually, truly slept in since like finals week sometime. It felt really good. Especially since I didn't wake up with a really sore throat, instead I woke up with a cough that hasn't gone away. I know that means that I'm over the cold but in order to get rid of the cough I have to take a puff or two on my inhaler, which I left in SLO cuz I didn't think that I would be needing it...go figure. So it looks like I'm going to be putting up with this cold for awhile. Oh well C'est La Vie.

I was able to go and hang out with my old friend Jessica Brown today for a little while. She happened to be at the mall when I was there and so I got to see her and her friend Liz, whom I knew but had never really met.

The other thing that I did today was run into Jenny and Kelley, from the first Kelley was her typical self, but congrats to me on the fact that it doesn't bother me. More and more, I'm happy to realize my freedom from her.

On another note, I got a really cool carrying case for my number one christmas present. I can attach it to my belt and have it with me always. (Kind of reminds me of a Jewel song "I want to be near you alwaaaaaaayssss...") So I've been around flaunting that. I also got a call from Sammot today, so we'll be hanging out. That will be cool. Speaking of Sammot I got an e-mail today informing me that she has an online journal account now too. Except for instead of using livejournal she is using something called ujournal.org Apparently a copy-cat site of livejournal. Using similar code to that of livejournal. Though considerably slower than livejournal it is free with no codes required and gives you all the benefits of livejournal. (Not to plug or anything...)

Hmmm...what else. Oh, I talked to Pam and looks like she is going to be hopefully coming over here tomorrow. She also informed that if I had been staying like another week there would be all kinds of time that she would be coming over here, but I do have to go back to SLO cuz I have a band gig on the 2nd. YAY BAND!!!!!(If we don't keep up our spirits and high energy we would question why we did it)

I also am left today with a lingering desire to finish the Harry Potter series. I finished the third book last night and have been having that craving that I used to get with books, all day long. I wish I had time to read more. Oh well, I'll enjoy this break while I can. Speaking of break I really need to get some work done...yeah right. Maybe one of these free days. :)

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

Merry Christmas

Well I made off like a bandit. I openeed the following list of items this morning.

About 5 pounds of beef Jerky
An extremely large Eagle figurine (I'm not sure why my mom thinks I like eagles, but I know this was expensive so I'm not going to tell her)
A cup for sake (procurred by our Japanese exchange student's mother)
A pair of gloves from American Eagle (?????)
The annual christmas ornament from my grandmother
A puzzle from a japan of a Japanese Temple near Mamkio (our exchange student)'s house
A tool set
A bag of Almonds

and...last but not least...my favorite christmas present of all...the thing that I have waited for since I got to a college
A brand new Sony Clie PEG-SJ20 Handheld Entertainment Organizer. Featuring a backlit screen at a resolution of 320x320, beaming capabilities, and a port for a sony memory stick. I'm in love. Now maybe I can start getting organized. Well I'm going to go and deliver some presents now, Merry Christmas to all and to all a glorious day!!!!

Monday, December 23, 2002

Grrrr...techno troubles

So I had a whole bunch of movies rented and I finally got sometime that I could sit down and watch them. So I sat down and popped one in. Not having looked at the screen I plop down on the couch and put up the foot rest. I turn to start enjoying the movie and what do I see? A picture that looks like a bad attempt at those 3D blue and red comics. Somehow the lights in the projection TV decided to disalign themselves and I have torn the TV as much apart as I can to no avail. The on place that I think the problem is (with the aiming of the mirrors) is one of the places that appears to be unreachable. I have sent an e-mail to the tech support at Toshiba and anxiously await their reply, but I have known support places to take weeks to reply especially to something like this. So I'm not holding my breath. But GRRRRRRR that irks me. We've only had the thing like 5 years, it shouldn't be dying yet. We're probably going to have to pay someone to look at, and fix it. This is not one of my areas of expertise and working on a TV is very dangerous due to the size of the capacitors that TV's use. I could get myself killed or even worse I could damage the TV further. if they could have just made it so that I could access the mirrors everything would have been hunky dory. Oh well.

I got to hang out with a friend of mine by the name of Yukari today. She was staying at a friend of mine's house which is how I met her and now she is back in the states attending college at SOU. It was a lot of fun. AFter that I came back to my dissappointment and stubbornly watched my movie anyway. At least after spending an hour or so trying to fix it on my own.

I've been waiting since she left to talk to her and was finally able to get hold of her. Sounded extremely humurous answering the phone all out of breath and then claiming "wrestling" :) Which I'm 100% sure is exactly what she was probably doing. That type of personality.

Well this aleved my bordem for a little bit. I shall go back and find something else to do. Maybe I shall continue reading that book that I have been going to read for awhile...

Well I'm home

11 weeks of hell at a time. That is the quarter system of college. But then you have the wonderful breaks in between. Those times that you look towards and think, "Well I'll have tons of free time then..."

Yeah right.

This is the first quasi free day that I've had since finals ended which was a week ago last friday. I kept saying to myself that I would write in my journal when I had free time and that there would be lots of updates in the journal over the break because of my abundance of free time. You all know that hasn't been true.
So yeah anyway, back to me. I got to take a wonderful trip over to Klamath Falls the day after I got back into OR last week and spent 2 wonderful days with Pam. Once again reviving what I've told myself on several occasions and coming to the conclusion that a possibilty of the future is nice. Right now it must remain as is, but the unknown future has some very nice prospects. I see it as the scene from my best friend's wedding before julia roberts found out about cameron diaz. Speaking of Pam though, she has changed in many subtle ways. There's the obvious way in that she has color her hair, and it looks really good. But then there's the things about how she is extremely more outgoing and talkative than she had been before, which is I think absolutely wonderful. And she got to meet my friends and she got to meet sammot, it was just a way cool visit.
On a not so good note, I'm once again causing problems like I always manage to do. Pam has a boyfriend named Joey or Roo or something like that, and I feel like I'm that taunting chocolate when you're on a diet that makes you just not care about the diet anymore. Not a good thing I don't think. Even though that is somewhat happy news for me because the whole idea that I was explaining earlier. I'm still not sure that that is a healthy thing for me to be doing.

Talking to someone who can't speak
Listening to someone who can't hear
Claiming stuipdity to hide fear
A wall a shield of nothing
impassable only to communication
Such are the lectures of the heart

So much is happening. I used to worry because I wasn't dating anyone then I starting enjoying single sort of. Now singleness treats me too well. I used to feel like no girl would have me then I started realizing that too many would. My emotions become mixed and confused. I learn to decipher what is long term and what is not, but I have to have a certain distance from everything that is going to on to do that and that makes me feel like it's a game. I don't want to play a game cuz this is not pieces on a chess board, but having to read all the signs and figure out what is real, is too much like a game. I question all the time whether I'll be doign the right thing. And the scariest part of all is that it's really not that far away that I'll be getting married and having kids and starting out on the rest of my life. If I make a wrong decision now...that could ruin everything later. It's what I want, but it's what I fear at the same time. It's hard to explain that what I want in a relationship right now is to have someone that I can take places and call up randomly and do things with. GRAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

So on another note, I got to see a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a really long time now that I'm home and it's been really good. We went out and saw the Two Towers with 13 people and it was a really good movie. Let's see I also got to go to a concert at my old highschool. That was neat too, because I got to sit in the audience, I hadn't done that before. I had always been playing. Ummm I think that's really all fo rnow, mostly because I have been working on this for a while now and think I am running out of thought processes. So see ya.

Thursday, December 12, 2002


Well tomorrow is the last day of the quarter and my last final. Calculus is the bane of my existence, if I never have to take a nother calculus class again it will be too soon. This class has been extremely frustrating in the fact that because I was sick one day and missed a midterm I now need to get 190/200 on the final to get the grade I set out for, before that I needed only like a 50% and I would have had it easily. GRRRRR!!!!!! On a brighter note, I'm 92% hotter than most other guys. click here This is me though Ain't I cute?
Speaking of cute, I have a very strong possibility happening in my life right now. Her name is Mary and boy is she cute. I'm taking my time though, I'm sure that she likes me and that I like her, but right now it's just back and forth flirting which is fun all the same. I've rarely done that before. I'll try and post more later gotta run.

Sunday, November 03, 2002


I think I mentioned before that I had Calculus. I had a test last friday and I took it. While I was taking the test I was thinking everything was going to be hunky dory. I knew the material, the questions were not that difficult, and I was coming up with answers that made sense. Non chalantly I glance down at my watch while working on the 5th of 7 questions. Only 10 minutes left and I still had an a-c of question 6 and an a-f on question 7. Needless to say I wasn't even able to finish question 6. This is the first time that I have ever, I mean ever not finished a test in the alotted time. I mean there have been times where I've skipped over a question and gone on and then not had time to go back and re-think that question, but I've always finished. Grrrrrr...it's so frustrating, and apparently I wasn't the only one that had this problem. There were about 10 other people of 30 in the class that were grumbling at the end just like me. Of course there is this one annoying fuck in that back that just sits there and makes commentary all throughout class who was like "I've been done for like the last 20 minutes but I decided to do the differential the long way that really long problem. I had like 12 terms and 4 radicals...etc" So annoying.

Yeah anyway. I went camping this weekend. I had a taste of freedom. I went up there and I had to do absolutely nothing. First time in a loooong time and I'm going to have so much trouble getting back into the swing of things. People have been telling me for years that I do too much stuff. Right now I can very easily agree with them except for one thing. I have in my mind so many things that I haven't done that I want to do, and when I compare that to what I'm doing right now I'm way behind. I'm starting to get drained though. So far I've always been able to put forward the energy to do what I really don't want to do just because I know I should, but that is getting harder and harder to do. I'm running out of that energy. Something has to give soon. I dont' know what it is I need to quit though. It really doesn't seem like I'm doing that much, yet somehow my days get filled and I'm tired a lot. A typical day for me consists of going to Aikido in the morning then going and studying Japanese for a few hours. After Japanese I go to class for a few hours, then I have dinner and go to several different meetings for a few hours. Then I go home and it's like 11:00 already and I'm trying to figure out where the day went. On Dancing nights I'm not back home until 1. I've been saying for years that we need a 36 hour day. I'd probably just fill that up too. Oh well, besides failing Math, I really don't have anything in life to complain about too much. Overall life is good. I'm starting to get back in shape and feel good about myself there again, and I'm not fretting over pointless issues anymore. I just wish i had more time to do the things that I want...

Friday, October 25, 2002

Homecoming Week...

It's been forever since I've had time to update my livejournal, which I recently found out is referred to as a 'blog'. Cool. So yeah I have been pulling about 16 hour days at school between band, KKPsi, class, and a whole myriad of meetings. I have been having a lot of fun though. I'm learning Aikido right now and that's way cool and I have found an associate professor from Japan who is helping me with my Japanese while I'm helping his wife with her English. It's so much fun. The other day we went over to their house to study and I studied with their 5 year old daughter Mizuki. She is so cute!!!! We were playing spelling games to help me learn hiragana (one of the Japanese alphabets).
I don't think I've ever mentioned on here. I hate Calculus. It is the epitomy of deceptive simplicity. I know how to use all the formulas, how to differentiate anything you throw at me, and yet somehow on the test I manage mess up little things that get me a bad grade. GRRRRRR!!! I do not want to take this class again. It's put me to sleep since the first time that I've gone and it's only getting worse as time progresses.

So the other day I was participating in one of the homecoming events that's called laugh olympics and there was game that we played called "holy mackerel" or something to that extent and this is what happened. I had a partner who I carried on back and I wore a stocking on my head that held in an egg that I was suppose to keep from getting broken. But wait there's more, my partner had a dead mackerel that she used to try and break the eggs on everyone else's heads, which in turn everyone else was trying to break my egg. So for 15 minutes I carried someone around while getting pummeled with fish. The best part was that the fish liked to break, so by the end of it I was covered in blood and fish guts and I reeked of fish. I was also extremely tired.
Well I really shouldn't have taken this time to write this because it is now 1am and I have a 7am call time today. Then another 18 hours of homecoming goodness. Good night.

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

Mementos of the Past

Oh to fathom the intricacies of the mind. Woe to the one that does not.

I said in one of my first posts that I was looking for love. Love that didn't have to be told or shown, but love that was just known. It's been proved to me tonight that I really don't know what I was looking for.

Or mayhap I do.

The expression of my own fears shows the desires unknown to me. What it seems I want to is to have a companion. Someone that is there with me through everything. Someone that knows my little nuances and looks out for me. Someone to joke with and someone that jokes with me. Someone to share the wonderful thing known as life with every day.

I wish that I could be stronger of mind or lesser of desire so that I could be happy with unconditional love. So that sharing of day to day events was only trivial and that the sharing of love was all that was needed.

I guess I just want too much. That is why I feel so alone and have such a longing all the time. There isn't anything/anyone capable of meeting the demands that I desire. I'm a black hole that sucks in everything it can and still isn't satisfied.

Saturday, September 28, 2002

For 10 years

I realized recentlyt hat I have been in band for 10 years now. 10 years is a really long time to do anything. Tonight was the first time that I have had any doubt that I enjoyed it or that I was doing something I should be doing. Tonight we went out and performed a field show that we have prepared in two weeks and spent probably 60 hours of time on to get this prepared in two weeks, in time for the first home game of the new school year. After doing our performance the powers that be came up to us in the stands where we doing "pep band" type playing and pulled our drum major aside to bitch at her about the things the band was doing wrong (not technical stuff like field show marching, but like frequency of playing, in stands etc...) Not only did they pull her aside and do this but five different people seperately pulled her aside and told her basically the same thing. I mean we were in the stands because the powers that be want us there to cheer on the team, be a school spirit promoter, and to play music. We sacrifice our Friday and Saturday nights on top of countless hours of rehearsal time so that we can go out and fulfil this desire of theirs and then they have the gall to bitch at us. It's very disheartening. It really makes me question if I should be taking out all this time and putting in all this energy for this activity if it's going to be negatively ripped to shreds everytime I go out in public. Anyway, I'm getting to the point of sleep deprivation and there is no telling what's going to start going through my mind and onto the computer screen. So to anyone that reads this goodnight.

Thursday, September 26, 2002

Funny Joke

There was a time several months ago that I spent probably 20 bucks or a little more on a cute little game for a friend. She now begging me to let her know how much I spent on that and she is notorious for being sneaky. For example, I took her to a movie and insisted on paying. Half way through the movie she got cold and I offered my jacket to her. The sly little devil slipped the money for the movie in my jacket pocket. So I've been apprehensive about telling her. Now I've just been giving her a hard time about it and have posted the answer my live journal just for kicks. Yay me!!!

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Sad News

Well about 3 years ago I made a promise that I would go and see my "Little Sister's" graduation. I finally found out this year that it's going to be on the same day that my Wind Orchestra concert would be on so i couldn't do Wind Orchestra spring quarter. I went and talked to the director about this and he told me that I couldn't do Wind Orchestra at all because winter and spring quarter go together as one. So I had one solitary year in Wind Orchestra. On top of this, none of the majors at cal poly want me. It's looking more and more like I should just drop out and go work. It would be cheaper and easier and I would have money instead of being broke all the time. On a good note, I'm really enjoying my work on Japanese with the exception that it is going to be really, really difficult to learn. I'm goign to have to call on all my resources that speak Japanese in order for me to get this at all. The pronunciations and things like that are really difficult. Especially in this book that I have. But this is the book that they use in the 101 course that I hope to challenge someday so I have to use it. I'm probably going to go and pick up another book or two, but mostly I'm going to try and sit down with my friends who are fluent and try and pick up what I need from them. I signed up today for an online Japanese course. It seems like it will be very helpful so far. We'll see. It's really cheap and it's done on a month to month basis so I can always cancel it, if I don't use it much. So alright yeah. That's all I have for tonight. Mostly because what is running through my head right now I really dont' think anyone else out there in journal land would want to hear. Maybe some of you out in explicit romance novel land... :) Peace.

Friday, September 20, 2002


There's a saying that goes something like, "You don't know what you've got til it's gone." and that is so incredibly true. I've seen this time and time again. Have you ever wondered where people come up with saying like that? And how it becomes something that everyone uses/knows? Well I have. I've figured out several of them. Take for example "Mind your P's and Q's" This occurs because way back in the day when you went to a tavern and drank you had a slate that kept track of how much you drank. It had two columns on it. One for pints "P" and one for quarts "Q". Well quarts of course cost more than pints and so as the night went on and you became more drunk the bartender would attempt to put a pints in the quart column so that you would have to pay more. Hence the advice mind your P's and Q's. Wonderful stuff eh?

I'm an addict I've decided. It's probably going to lead to some problems in life but I dont' know how to quit. I mean debating is just so much fun. My roomate and I will debate, non-stop for hours and people will stop to listen because we're very funny about it. Anyone that didn't know us would think that we hated each other the way we argue.

I found out today that people think that I'm a brick wall. I don't think that I'm a wall. I think I'm receptive to everything. I just know that I need a good valid/logical reason to change my mind. If my logic overpower the logic presented the my decision will hold firm. That's why people see me as a wall. That's actually kind of ironic because there is a limitation put on this observation. I'm only a wall when it comes to decisions I have made about myself, when it comes to absolutely anything else I'm open air for everything to flow through. I think that the quality I posses is not as bad as the people that made this observation make it out to be be, because it shows that I have conviction. I make a decision based on the information I have (logic) and stick to that decision. Good idea. If that information changes then my decision is able to be changed as well.

Well I guess that I've quelched my lonliness long enough to go to sleep. Good night to everyone and Pam I want you to feel better ASAP cuz being sick is not fun at all. I know you're probably the one of the few people with the exception of rachel that has read this, but still I thought that I would specify. :) Au voire.

Thursday, September 19, 2002

Where'd the Energy Go?

Last night I felt good enough to run a marathon tonight I feel like I'm ready to break down and cry. I must be MPMSing or something and my hormones are way out of wack. I accomplished a lot today though so that's a good thing. I no longer have anything left to unpack. WOOHOOO!!!!! I found out our new room has a creme colored carpet. Did you hear that? Carpet!!! I didn't know it had carpet and I've been here 8 days. I think that I got everything organized soon enough that I won't expect to find it anywhere but where I put it away. So maybe, just maybe I can keep the room clean because of that. My ability to organize has impressed even myself. I keep way too much useless junk that is very hard to find anyway to organize and some how I have come up with a way to that so I'm quite pleased.

My roomate commented to me just a second ago that I have really been going at this live journal thing. I guess he's right, with the exception of that period of time when I had no internet, I've kept it up fairly regularly. We have to wait and see what happens when school starts and I start getting really busy and having a ton of things to do. Hopefully I'll still be able to keep this up because it's really a very nice release. I love to write when I have something on my mind and normally it just ends up in some file that I forget or gets deleted or something and that makes me sad because I've written some very interesting stuff that I would've liked to have kept. Oh well, ce la vie.

Patience is a virtue. I must remind myself this whislt I am waiting for something. I've been told that I am a very patient man, but patience is something that I must work really hard at. I've had to bite my tongue more times than I can think of so it's become second nature. I guess that qualifies as patience eh? Well that's all for tonight. Au voire.

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

Going good

Well I think that I've reached that point. You know how when you start working out after having not worked out in awhile you are really pretty sore and get absolutely exhausted, but then you start to enjoy it and everything is good. Well Band camp is the same way. I think that I've finally hit that crest because tonight I'm feeling really pretty good, whereas the last few nights I've been utterly exhausted. I'm feeling so good that I almost feel like starting some kind of running routine or something. Almost.

You know thinking of excersise always makes me realize how lazy our society has become. We now do so little physical work that we have to set aside time to perform manual labor to maintain the natural human form. The worst part about this is that the manual labor (excersise) is completly pointless. It's not productive labor like it would have been say 50 years ago. Sadder still is that so few people will even take the energy/time to do that little bit of work so we have problems with obesity across the country. Fast Food, TV Dinners, and Ready made meals don't make it any easier. I'm not trying to pass judgement here because I have very little room to talk. I eat Ready made meals and fast food as much as the next guy and could definitely stand to be in a lot better shape. I just think that it's unfortunate for this to have happened in our society. "The wonderful United States of America" Amazing how that didn't mean anything to anyone before some horrible people needlessly killed 1000's of innocent people. It's honestly a horrible thing that happened at the world trade center and I have no dispute about that. It's depressing that it took such a tragedy for US Citizens to gain any form of Nationalism. Now it seems that there a lot of people showing US bravado, but because they didn't show any of that before it comes across as very superficial and weak. How long is this going to last before we need another horrible tragedy to bond again? Amazing how the great super power has so little to bind it together as a nation. As a nation we're made up of a conglomerate of what the rest of the world has to offer and have nothing but citizenship to call our own. Ok, that's enough of my ranting.

I'll probably end up typing more later.

(My room is finally getting to be clean. Yay!!!)

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

Back at Poly

After wayyyy too long without internet I am finally back. I'm now back down in good old SLO and attending band camp (yay!!!). I come home nights, late after too many hours out marching, absolutely exhausted. I go to sleep and wake up early so that I can start the previous day over again.

Amazing how easy it is to fall back in to familiar grooves, comfortable grooves. It's amazing how easy it is to block everything else out and make yourself forget about everything but what you're doing right then. All it takes is concentration and no time to your self.


The torture endured by one. Pain cannot be shared, pain cannot be removed by another. The turmoil inside is just that, inside. Forever around people, yet forever painfully alone.


The reason for existence? Or is that merely one of the trials and tribulations that existence is born with. So many things unexplained come from the entity known as "people"

Emotion is the most perplexing, constant, and bipolar thing on earth. Constantly you have emotion that can be both good and bad and you don't know why or where it comes from. An explanation or a road map might make it easier, but to chart emotion would be like trying to chart the stars with a pencil and paper in the daytime. You could get some of them you think but in reality you don't even know that for sure.

If you can't tell my emotions are quite tumultuous right now. I have no semblance of order rhyme or reason to myself anymore and that is not fun. That's all I have. I'll try again when I'm not so tired. (next year?)

Saturday, September 07, 2002

A Walk to Remember

I watched a wonderful movie tonight title "A Walk to Remember" starring Mandy Moore. Now before any bad thoughts arise, watch the movie. It is one of the best movies with one of the best messages that I've seen in a long time and the character that Mandy Moore has created is absolutely enthralling. Inspired this movie I am going to attempt to maintain and create a list of things that I want to accomplish. So here goes:

1. Have a family
2. Help build and design my own house
3. See Stonehenge
4. Find my half sister
5. Find out what I enjoy
6. Act in a play
7. Learn to sing

I think that this list is going to have to grow as time moves on otherwise it won't be very serious of a list.

I think about the future a lot. Where I'm going to go, what I'm going to do, and how I'm going to get there. I know in the future that I want a family. I want a wife who is as deliriously happy as she makes me. I want kids that I can give every advantage to be grow and be wonderful people.

Most of all I want love.

I want love that is 100%. Love that is said without asking. There have been times where I thought that I had this and realized I was just wishing too hard. Then there have been other times that I was sure it was there but I just couldn't see it. Emotion to me has always been a weird thing. I've always felt detached from it. Like it's something that clings to me and that I can shake it off at any time. It bothers me that this is so, but I can't change though I think I might be slowly. I know that the feelings are a part of me because when I have had to "shed" the emotion it hurts. It hurts right in the pit of my stomache and I get shaky, but I'm still watching it from the outside. I dont' know what's actually going on. I want to know what love is. And I want I you to show me...

Watch "A Walk to Remember," it's an excellent movie.

The world is a big place and the people even bigger...


Someone said that life has a lot of choices. I disagree. I think that life is purely a string of choices.

I'm troubling myself again with choices that have been made and with choices that could be made. Relationships are the bane and the blessing of existence. If you don't have one you're fretting because you want one. If you do have one you fret because you're afraid your going to lose it. And if you have more than one well...you're in big trouble. Then there's always that mythical "right one" is that the point where you've found someone that tolerant enough of you that you can tolerate them? I yearn for the day where I'm in a situation that I find a girl like that and she lives in the same place as me.

Cuddling is a fun sport, yet so tantalizing at the same time it's torture. I was described it to a fellow peer as "Holding out water to a thirsty man and telling him he can't drink." Ce la vie. I'm glad I'm the only one that this has to make sense too. For any of you that do read, you're seeing a small piece of the mind of a crazy man.

I might do another posting later but right now I'm talking to Pam and would rather do that. Good night ever, ever land.

Thursday, September 05, 2002

First Entry

Well this is my first entry into my new LiveJournal. I've never been good about keeping a journal mostly because I lose them, but I thought maybe this one will work.
So where to start. I guess this time in my life is a good time to start up a journal. I've been attending Cal Poly San Luis Obispo for a year now and have decided that it's not the school for me. It was a really tough choice to make because I have a family down there now.(not a blood family but you know what I mean) I have my friend circle and my contacts and my favorite places to hang out.

Now I'm starting the college hunt all over again. I need to find a college that doesn't force you to work towards a major every quarter like Poly does. I need to find a place that I can figure out what I like and where I want to go. This is looking like I'm headed back to OR. In fact, I'm looking at University of Oregon. A mere 3 hours from home. From the people that I spent the last 6 years with. Except for one he's 5 hours away because he went to a college in Seattle, but who's counting. Overall it would be a much better situation, plus I know people there.

Right now I'm counting down the days til I have to go back to school. As much as I love the people down there, I'm dreading going back. Mostly because I have overcommitted myself. I'm holding 4 officer positions plus 3 other normal club positions, marching band, academics, and I'm financially forced to get a job. Making me very apprehensive about going back, cuz last fall quarter I ground myself into the ground with everything that I was doing. I ended up getting really sick and finally just collapsing and sleeping for 49 hours.

Wow, I actually have a lot to say. Anyway my next topic is emotions. For a long time when I was growing up I had an iron-clad reign on my emotions then slowly I let them loose and now they have free reign. I guess because I had them held in so tight for so long that they don't know what to do with their freedom, so they flit back and forth everywhere. I have mixed feelings about everything and they like to jump from one thing to another. Makes it hard for me to want to try a relationship because I'm afraid I'll end up hurting someone and so far that's what has happened. A horrible thing to be young and inexperienced.

My grandparents have a pot holder that says "The problem ist ve are too soon oldt und too late schmart."

I don't know this for a fact yet but I can definitely see how that is correct

My longing: I look forward to the day I settle with my beautiful wife and have myself a family.