For 10 years

I realized recentlyt hat I have been in band for 10 years now. 10 years is a really long time to do anything. Tonight was the first time that I have had any doubt that I enjoyed it or that I was doing something I should be doing. Tonight we went out and performed a field show that we have prepared in two weeks and spent probably 60 hours of time on to get this prepared in two weeks, in time for the first home game of the new school year. After doing our performance the powers that be came up to us in the stands where we doing "pep band" type playing and pulled our drum major aside to bitch at her about the things the band was doing wrong (not technical stuff like field show marching, but like frequency of playing, in stands etc...) Not only did they pull her aside and do this but five different people seperately pulled her aside and told her basically the same thing. I mean we were in the stands because the powers that be want us there to cheer on the team, be a school spirit promoter, and to play music. We sacrifice our Friday and Saturday nights on top of countless hours of rehearsal time so that we can go out and fulfil this desire of theirs and then they have the gall to bitch at us. It's very disheartening. It really makes me question if I should be taking out all this time and putting in all this energy for this activity if it's going to be negatively ripped to shreds everytime I go out in public. Anyway, I'm getting to the point of sleep deprivation and there is no telling what's going to start going through my mind and onto the computer screen. So to anyone that reads this goodnight.

Funny Joke

There was a time several months ago that I spent probably 20 bucks or a little more on a cute little game for a friend. She now begging me to let her know how much I spent on that and she is notorious for being sneaky. For example, I took her to a movie and insisted on paying. Half way through the movie she got cold and I offered my jacket to her. The sly little devil slipped the money for the movie in my jacket pocket. So I've been apprehensive about telling her. Now I've just been giving her a hard time about it and have posted the answer my live journal just for kicks. Yay me!!!

Sad News

Well about 3 years ago I made a promise that I would go and see my "Little Sister's" graduation. I finally found out this year that it's going to be on the same day that my Wind Orchestra concert would be on so i couldn't do Wind Orchestra spring quarter. I went and talked to the director about this and he told me that I couldn't do Wind Orchestra at all because winter and spring quarter go together as one. So I had one solitary year in Wind Orchestra. On top of this, none of the majors at cal poly want me. It's looking more and more like I should just drop out and go work. It would be cheaper and easier and I would have money instead of being broke all the time. On a good note, I'm really enjoying my work on Japanese with the exception that it is going to be really, really difficult to learn. I'm goign to have to call on all my resources that speak Japanese in order for me to get this at all. The pronunciations and things like that are really difficult. Especially in this book that I have. But this is the book that they use in the 101 course that I hope to challenge someday so I have to use it. I'm probably going to go and pick up another book or two, but mostly I'm going to try and sit down with my friends who are fluent and try and pick up what I need from them. I signed up today for an online Japanese course. It seems like it will be very helpful so far. We'll see. It's really cheap and it's done on a month to month basis so I can always cancel it, if I don't use it much. So alright yeah. That's all I have for tonight. Mostly because what is running through my head right now I really dont' think anyone else out there in journal land would want to hear. Maybe some of you out in explicit romance novel land... :) Peace.

Lonely

There's a saying that goes something like, "You don't know what you've got til it's gone." and that is so incredibly true. I've seen this time and time again. Have you ever wondered where people come up with saying like that? And how it becomes something that everyone uses/knows? Well I have. I've figured out several of them. Take for example "Mind your P's and Q's" This occurs because way back in the day when you went to a tavern and drank you had a slate that kept track of how much you drank. It had two columns on it. One for pints "P" and one for quarts "Q". Well quarts of course cost more than pints and so as the night went on and you became more drunk the bartender would attempt to put a pints in the quart column so that you would have to pay more. Hence the advice mind your P's and Q's. Wonderful stuff eh?

I'm an addict I've decided. It's probably going to lead to some problems in life but I dont' know how to quit. I mean debating is just so much fun. My roomate and I will debate, non-stop for hours and people will stop to listen because we're very funny about it. Anyone that didn't know us would think that we hated each other the way we argue.

I found out today that people think that I'm a brick wall. I don't think that I'm a wall. I think I'm receptive to everything. I just know that I need a good valid/logical reason to change my mind. If my logic overpower the logic presented the my decision will hold firm. That's why people see me as a wall. That's actually kind of ironic because there is a limitation put on this observation. I'm only a wall when it comes to decisions I have made about myself, when it comes to absolutely anything else I'm open air for everything to flow through. I think that the quality I posses is not as bad as the people that made this observation make it out to be be, because it shows that I have conviction. I make a decision based on the information I have (logic) and stick to that decision. Good idea. If that information changes then my decision is able to be changed as well.

Well I guess that I've quelched my lonliness long enough to go to sleep. Good night to everyone and Pam I want you to feel better ASAP cuz being sick is not fun at all. I know you're probably the one of the few people with the exception of rachel that has read this, but still I thought that I would specify. :) Au voire.

Where'd the Energy Go?

Last night I felt good enough to run a marathon tonight I feel like I'm ready to break down and cry. I must be MPMSing or something and my hormones are way out of wack. I accomplished a lot today though so that's a good thing. I no longer have anything left to unpack. WOOHOOO!!!!! I found out our new room has a creme colored carpet. Did you hear that? Carpet!!! I didn't know it had carpet and I've been here 8 days. I think that I got everything organized soon enough that I won't expect to find it anywhere but where I put it away. So maybe, just maybe I can keep the room clean because of that. My ability to organize has impressed even myself. I keep way too much useless junk that is very hard to find anyway to organize and some how I have come up with a way to that so I'm quite pleased.

My roomate commented to me just a second ago that I have really been going at this live journal thing. I guess he's right, with the exception of that period of time when I had no internet, I've kept it up fairly regularly. We have to wait and see what happens when school starts and I start getting really busy and having a ton of things to do. Hopefully I'll still be able to keep this up because it's really a very nice release. I love to write when I have something on my mind and normally it just ends up in some file that I forget or gets deleted or something and that makes me sad because I've written some very interesting stuff that I would've liked to have kept. Oh well, ce la vie.

Patience is a virtue. I must remind myself this whislt I am waiting for something. I've been told that I am a very patient man, but patience is something that I must work really hard at. I've had to bite my tongue more times than I can think of so it's become second nature. I guess that qualifies as patience eh? Well that's all for tonight. Au voire.

Going good

Well I think that I've reached that point. You know how when you start working out after having not worked out in awhile you are really pretty sore and get absolutely exhausted, but then you start to enjoy it and everything is good. Well Band camp is the same way. I think that I've finally hit that crest because tonight I'm feeling really pretty good, whereas the last few nights I've been utterly exhausted. I'm feeling so good that I almost feel like starting some kind of running routine or something. Almost.

You know thinking of excersise always makes me realize how lazy our society has become. We now do so little physical work that we have to set aside time to perform manual labor to maintain the natural human form. The worst part about this is that the manual labor (excersise) is completly pointless. It's not productive labor like it would have been say 50 years ago. Sadder still is that so few people will even take the energy/time to do that little bit of work so we have problems with obesity across the country. Fast Food, TV Dinners, and Ready made meals don't make it any easier. I'm not trying to pass judgement here because I have very little room to talk. I eat Ready made meals and fast food as much as the next guy and could definitely stand to be in a lot better shape. I just think that it's unfortunate for this to have happened in our society. "The wonderful United States of America" Amazing how that didn't mean anything to anyone before some horrible people needlessly killed 1000's of innocent people. It's honestly a horrible thing that happened at the world trade center and I have no dispute about that. It's depressing that it took such a tragedy for US Citizens to gain any form of Nationalism. Now it seems that there a lot of people showing US bravado, but because they didn't show any of that before it comes across as very superficial and weak. How long is this going to last before we need another horrible tragedy to bond again? Amazing how the great super power has so little to bind it together as a nation. As a nation we're made up of a conglomerate of what the rest of the world has to offer and have nothing but citizenship to call our own. Ok, that's enough of my ranting.

I'll probably end up typing more later.

(My room is finally getting to be clean. Yay!!!)

Back at Poly

After wayyyy too long without internet I am finally back. I'm now back down in good old SLO and attending band camp (yay!!!). I come home nights, late after too many hours out marching, absolutely exhausted. I go to sleep and wake up early so that I can start the previous day over again.

Amazing how easy it is to fall back in to familiar grooves, comfortable grooves. It's amazing how easy it is to block everything else out and make yourself forget about everything but what you're doing right then. All it takes is concentration and no time to your self.

Pain.

The torture endured by one. Pain cannot be shared, pain cannot be removed by another. The turmoil inside is just that, inside. Forever around people, yet forever painfully alone.

People.

The reason for existence? Or is that merely one of the trials and tribulations that existence is born with. So many things unexplained come from the entity known as "people"

Emotion is the most perplexing, constant, and bipolar thing on earth. Constantly you have emotion that can be both good and bad and you don't know why or where it comes from. An explanation or a road map might make it easier, but to chart emotion would be like trying to chart the stars with a pencil and paper in the daytime. You could get some of them you think but in reality you don't even know that for sure.

If you can't tell my emotions are quite tumultuous right now. I have no semblance of order rhyme or reason to myself anymore and that is not fun. That's all I have. I'll try again when I'm not so tired. (next year?)

A Walk to Remember

I watched a wonderful movie tonight title "A Walk to Remember" starring Mandy Moore. Now before any bad thoughts arise, watch the movie. It is one of the best movies with one of the best messages that I've seen in a long time and the character that Mandy Moore has created is absolutely enthralling. Inspired this movie I am going to attempt to maintain and create a list of things that I want to accomplish. So here goes:

1. Have a family
2. Help build and design my own house
3. See Stonehenge
4. Find my half sister
5. Find out what I enjoy
6. Act in a play
7. Learn to sing

I think that this list is going to have to grow as time moves on otherwise it won't be very serious of a list.

I think about the future a lot. Where I'm going to go, what I'm going to do, and how I'm going to get there. I know in the future that I want a family. I want a wife who is as deliriously happy as she makes me. I want kids that I can give every advantage to be grow and be wonderful people.

Most of all I want love.

I want love that is 100%. Love that is said without asking. There have been times where I thought that I had this and realized I was just wishing too hard. Then there have been other times that I was sure it was there but I just couldn't see it. Emotion to me has always been a weird thing. I've always felt detached from it. Like it's something that clings to me and that I can shake it off at any time. It bothers me that this is so, but I can't change though I think I might be slowly. I know that the feelings are a part of me because when I have had to "shed" the emotion it hurts. It hurts right in the pit of my stomache and I get shaky, but I'm still watching it from the outside. I dont' know what's actually going on. I want to know what love is. And I want I you to show me...

Watch "A Walk to Remember," it's an excellent movie.

The world is a big place and the people even bigger...

Decisions...

Someone said that life has a lot of choices. I disagree. I think that life is purely a string of choices.

I'm troubling myself again with choices that have been made and with choices that could be made. Relationships are the bane and the blessing of existence. If you don't have one you're fretting because you want one. If you do have one you fret because you're afraid your going to lose it. And if you have more than one well...you're in big trouble. Then there's always that mythical "right one" is that the point where you've found someone that tolerant enough of you that you can tolerate them? I yearn for the day where I'm in a situation that I find a girl like that and she lives in the same place as me.

Cuddling is a fun sport, yet so tantalizing at the same time it's torture. I was described it to a fellow peer as "Holding out water to a thirsty man and telling him he can't drink." Ce la vie. I'm glad I'm the only one that this has to make sense too. For any of you that do read, you're seeing a small piece of the mind of a crazy man.

I might do another posting later but right now I'm talking to Pam and would rather do that. Good night ever, ever land.

First Entry

Well this is my first entry into my new LiveJournal. I've never been good about keeping a journal mostly because I lose them, but I thought maybe this one will work.
So where to start. I guess this time in my life is a good time to start up a journal. I've been attending Cal Poly San Luis Obispo for a year now and have decided that it's not the school for me. It was a really tough choice to make because I have a family down there now.(not a blood family but you know what I mean) I have my friend circle and my contacts and my favorite places to hang out.

Now I'm starting the college hunt all over again. I need to find a college that doesn't force you to work towards a major every quarter like Poly does. I need to find a place that I can figure out what I like and where I want to go. This is looking like I'm headed back to OR. In fact, I'm looking at University of Oregon. A mere 3 hours from home. From the people that I spent the last 6 years with. Except for one he's 5 hours away because he went to a college in Seattle, but who's counting. Overall it would be a much better situation, plus I know people there.

Right now I'm counting down the days til I have to go back to school. As much as I love the people down there, I'm dreading going back. Mostly because I have overcommitted myself. I'm holding 4 officer positions plus 3 other normal club positions, marching band, academics, and I'm financially forced to get a job. Making me very apprehensive about going back, cuz last fall quarter I ground myself into the ground with everything that I was doing. I ended up getting really sick and finally just collapsing and sleeping for 49 hours.

Wow, I actually have a lot to say. Anyway my next topic is emotions. For a long time when I was growing up I had an iron-clad reign on my emotions then slowly I let them loose and now they have free reign. I guess because I had them held in so tight for so long that they don't know what to do with their freedom, so they flit back and forth everywhere. I have mixed feelings about everything and they like to jump from one thing to another. Makes it hard for me to want to try a relationship because I'm afraid I'll end up hurting someone and so far that's what has happened. A horrible thing to be young and inexperienced.

My grandparents have a pot holder that says "The problem ist ve are too soon oldt und too late schmart."

I don't know this for a fact yet but I can definitely see how that is correct

My longing: I look forward to the day I settle with my beautiful wife and have myself a family.