Monday, December 23, 2002

Well I'm home

11 weeks of hell at a time. That is the quarter system of college. But then you have the wonderful breaks in between. Those times that you look towards and think, "Well I'll have tons of free time then..."

Yeah right.

This is the first quasi free day that I've had since finals ended which was a week ago last friday. I kept saying to myself that I would write in my journal when I had free time and that there would be lots of updates in the journal over the break because of my abundance of free time. You all know that hasn't been true.
So yeah anyway, back to me. I got to take a wonderful trip over to Klamath Falls the day after I got back into OR last week and spent 2 wonderful days with Pam. Once again reviving what I've told myself on several occasions and coming to the conclusion that a possibilty of the future is nice. Right now it must remain as is, but the unknown future has some very nice prospects. I see it as the scene from my best friend's wedding before julia roberts found out about cameron diaz. Speaking of Pam though, she has changed in many subtle ways. There's the obvious way in that she has color her hair, and it looks really good. But then there's the things about how she is extremely more outgoing and talkative than she had been before, which is I think absolutely wonderful. And she got to meet my friends and she got to meet sammot, it was just a way cool visit.
On a not so good note, I'm once again causing problems like I always manage to do. Pam has a boyfriend named Joey or Roo or something like that, and I feel like I'm that taunting chocolate when you're on a diet that makes you just not care about the diet anymore. Not a good thing I don't think. Even though that is somewhat happy news for me because the whole idea that I was explaining earlier. I'm still not sure that that is a healthy thing for me to be doing.

Talking to someone who can't speak
Listening to someone who can't hear
Claiming stuipdity to hide fear
A wall a shield of nothing
impassable only to communication
Such are the lectures of the heart

So much is happening. I used to worry because I wasn't dating anyone then I starting enjoying single sort of. Now singleness treats me too well. I used to feel like no girl would have me then I started realizing that too many would. My emotions become mixed and confused. I learn to decipher what is long term and what is not, but I have to have a certain distance from everything that is going to on to do that and that makes me feel like it's a game. I don't want to play a game cuz this is not pieces on a chess board, but having to read all the signs and figure out what is real, is too much like a game. I question all the time whether I'll be doign the right thing. And the scariest part of all is that it's really not that far away that I'll be getting married and having kids and starting out on the rest of my life. If I make a wrong decision now...that could ruin everything later. It's what I want, but it's what I fear at the same time. It's hard to explain that what I want in a relationship right now is to have someone that I can take places and call up randomly and do things with. GRAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

So on another note, I got to see a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a really long time now that I'm home and it's been really good. We went out and saw the Two Towers with 13 people and it was a really good movie. Let's see I also got to go to a concert at my old highschool. That was neat too, because I got to sit in the audience, I hadn't done that before. I had always been playing. Ummm I think that's really all fo rnow, mostly because I have been working on this for a while now and think I am running out of thought processes. So see ya.

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