Friday, February 28, 2003

IT is cool

I went on another field trip with the Japanese students again today. We went to Sonic Solutions software company. Very cool, though the entire presentation was given in Japanese so I kind of "got the gist" of what was going on. I also had some time today after Sonic Solutions to go walk around with the students at some outlet malls in Pismo. I ddint' even know the things were there. They had a Clair's and I got earrings again. Yay!! Now I have two more that I can lose. That wasn't the part that was cool though. It was more that I got a chance to talk with the students a little more and it seemed that we were able to bridge the language barrier quite a bit today. After the gathering party I invited a couple back to my house, but only Yuji-san decided to come. We played a Japanese game called Guilty Gear X. It was fun. I found out today that I am passed the deadline for the International Exchange program, so I will not be going to Japan all of next year. I might be able to find some kind of program though that will allow me to do it for a quarter. Richard Leroy is going to help me with that.

On an entirely different note, now that I have been released from the bonds of secrecy, I am so incredibly envious of Mary. She gets to go to Hawaii, live in Virginia for an entire year (next year), and she has been backpacking (among other very, very cool things) in New Zealand. Congratulations to Mary though because the Hawaii and Virginia things were highly competitive architecture events that she was selected for. Doesn't stop me from being jealous, but she deserves many props. And now, good night all.

Thursday, February 27, 2003

What a looooooong day

6am woke up
6:45 went to class
9:00 got out of class
9:30 went to office hour
10:00 went to Japanese Students' class
12:00 went to class
1:00 went to Dr. Rubba's office hour and waited 30 mins
1:30 met Dr. Asai for Japanese Students' field trip
2:00 went home for 20 mins
3:00 After eating a hurried Carl's lunch met Dr. Asai for field trip
5:00 finished field trip, killed time with students til farmer's market
7:30 left for home to get fencing gear and leave for fencing
8:00 got to fencing
11:00 left fencing exhausted came home and talked to Pam
12:00 or so, I plan to be sleeping

Fencing was fun as always tonight. I got a fencing sweatshirt and two more t-shirts. I'm apparently going to be approached about being an officer in the fencing club. I've also been approached about being president of both Ballroom dance club as you know and now of CP Mustang Band. On top of this I found out that there is most probably not going to be a quarter abroad program for next year to Japan. So I am going to look in to the year long study, which I think would be way cooler, maybe a little more work, but way cooler. I don't think that they will accept me though. I am not exactly the model student right now. Though I did talk with my professor today and I think that I will be able to pull of a good grade in her class. It means however that I have to get all the homework that I have missed done and turned into her by next tues. Then I will also be doing somekind of paper for her on top of taking/studying for the final. So we'll see how good of a grade. I know that I did really poorly on the midterm that I took, so we'll see. Hopefully it will be high enough to get me into Business finally. We'll see. Wish me luck! Now Adieu, adieu (I'm probably going to get yelled at by my roomate for spelling that wrong. Oh well, I can just change it again ;)

Wednesday, February 26, 2003


It's exciting, tonight I ordered a bunch of fencing gear. I will be recieving a bag, a pair of shoes, and a jacket. Speaking of equipment, I'm also kind of nervous becaues this weekend's tournament is electric. That means that I will not be using the weapon that I have been using since I started. Shalanar (that's a name I just made up, to make this more dramatic) and I have formed a bond. We're like one. It's almost like she guides my hand. Ok not really, but I do know that other weapons feel funny. I don't want to get a weapon of my own yet, because I'm not sure what my weapon of choice is going to be. So I'm just going to wait.

Let's see also tonight, I made a dumb move, but a fun one all the same. Charm and Sandy came over and we watched the movie "Keeping the Faith." Very good movie, at first I was very upset at Ben Stiller's character, but I guess the end resolved that. I also didn't care for the main girl either. Something about her personality bugged me, but that changed in the end too. A bit of a long movie, but a lot happens and there is a lot of change so that's to be expected. Now the reason it was a dumb move was because it is now 2:45am and I have class at 8. Oh well. That's all I think for tonight/this morning.

Sunday, February 23, 2003

What a weekend

So as I said, I left for Modesto this weekend. State days was a blast. I got there friday night around 11 or so and we were watching movies on a wall with a projector and really big speakers. That was way cool, then once the movie "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" was over they put on on "Galaxy Quest" (I love that movie) and we had games going on. During the night I managed to float from a chess game, Uno game, volleyball, and blackjack game before the movie got over. By that time they decided that the lights should go out. I was running (much as I am now) on adrenaline and constant activity. I wasn't able to sleep the entire ride over so I was running on that very little sleep til about 3AM when the lights went off and Gauk told us all a story. The next day, which started at 6:30, we played a lot of games outside. I had way too much energy so I was running around a lot and grappling with people and playing a lot of ultimate frisbee. That was way fun. Then we finally went to dinner at Hometown Buffet (Why is it that everytime I go out of town to where there are really cool restaraunts I got to the ones that we have in SLO?). After hometown we spent probably 30 mins deciding how people went home, and of course there was a big drama about it but that got resolved finally. Then after getting that decided we went to Paul's house to celebrate his birthday with his mom. His mom is awesome!!! She put me up for the night and then woke me up this morning with a cup of coffee. She's so nice.

Finally we made it back to SLO (Paul, Gary and I) about 1:30, which was 30 mins late to drumline rehearsal. I ran out of rehearsal right out 4 so that I could go see the "Vagina Monologues." They almost didn't let me in but I knew the guy (sorta, I saw him at the interclub council meeting and he knew me cuz I got elected) so he let me in to go sit with the BU. I really wasn't in any shape whatsoever to be seeing that show.
1. I was tired beyond belief
2. I'm very tender right now
3. I was tired beyond belief
But I saw it anyway, and I let it get to me. The message that I got from the show was that females should never need a man, that females can only be made happy by themselves, and that guys are shit. That was the overall message that I recieved and seeing how one of my primary goals in life is to feel like I'm needed by a female counterpart and that I want to make that counterpart the happiest person in the world, the message of the show really got to me. It took a good 30 mins for the pain in the pit of my stomache to go away and to not feel like I was going to just burst into tears. Luckily I was out with the awesome BU people and we went out to dinner. So that made it better, but unfortunately I was a real downer to them. Oh well, I explained why and I'm over it now. So it' s all good. Well I really shouldn't have been up writing this because I'm exhausted, but I wanted to not put it off.

Oh wait i forgot to mention.

After drumline I went to my car to plug in my phone that had died over the weekend and use the car battery to make a call and when I got out I left my keys in the ignition with the battery on and locke the door. So they were in there until David drove me back with the spare at about 7. Also tonight my big bro gave me my nickname M.I.L.F.
Mackerfella (apparently I mack? yeah right)
Ignoramous (Corey's doing, it's supposed to be mispelled)
Long (hehe, Myles Long)
Few of my(myles's) jokes are funny (FOMJAF!!!)

Ok that is it. I'm outta here.

Thursday, February 20, 2003

What a day

So I did finally finish that huge-o project this morning. About 6 this morning. then I woke up at 7:30 in time to print it off and decided that I could sleep five more minutes, which then turned into like 2 hours and I missed the class completely so I couldn't turn it in. That gave me enough time to come back grab paper, a pencil, and a calculator and go take a calc midterm. Why is it that no matter how many related rates problems I do I still don't get them? Gah!!!! Oh well I got the other questions perfect, I think I'll get a B at least. About 4 o'clock today, I'll be leaving for Modesto for a Kappa Kappa Psi California chapter's state days. That should be fun and even better is I dont' have to drive. I'm going to be riding with Stephanie, but I think that I'm going to pass out for the entire trip. I'm exhausted, and sick. Well that's all for now, you should check out the horses. They're tight.

It's finally happened

I decided finally that I truly am sick. Gah, I dont' like being sick. This morning I was planning on going to my early class but when I woke up I felt like such crap that I continued sleeping. I figured I would wake up before my 12 o'clock class. Wrong again. I didn't wake up til 1:30 and I still felt like crap, but I had to force myself to get up. There were things that I needed to get done. Homework and such. So I had my meeting at 2, finished with that and saw Diana for like 2 mins at the Career Symposium that happened today. Then I helped out at the fencing fund raiser and killed my back some more. Feeling that right now, that's for sure. I need some serious TLC. So lets see, after that I got some dinner at Presto Pasta (I love that place!!! Thanks Mary ). After which I was so worn out I could hardly stand up. So I laid down and took a 30 min nap before fencing. I couldn't hardly keep my eyes open and it was painful to move, but I went to fencing. We started off with the lunge game and the progressed to tribal warfare. In tribal warfare I was the first one to fence in the one on one bout that would win for my team if I touched. I was going against Eric Phillips who is a saberist. The bout was a foil match so the on target is a little different the sabre. I took advantage of that and scored the touch. (What Mary will tell you is that I went below the belt to score a touch. Which is 100% completely true, but it sounds like I was fighting dirty, which I kinda was, but it was smart dirty or something. Yeah, anyway) I was so stoked about scoring that touch because the entire club was watching, all eyes focused on the bout and I didn't want to get schooled, but Eric has been fencing for the last 2 and half years so I thought it was pretty inevitable. I won, I won, I won!!!! hehe. Ok enough of that. The downside of the evening is that I have a huge project due tomorrow that is very time consuming and I dont' think that I gave myself enough time, but we'll see. Adieu.

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

So much fun

Fencing was a blast tonight. I had so much fun. I think the tournament pushed me over to the 100% sold to fencing side. Tonight, Mary was our female instructor. She worked with me because I was the odd man out (I saw that it was probably going to work that way and was hoping I wouldn't get gypped). So she did exactly what it is I like to do when learning. We were working on drills and she would break the drill with a different move, then tell me what I should have done. Then she made her own things for me to work above what the drill was doing. Such as footwork, how I lunge, and how I extend. It was so helpful, that might have something to do with the fact that she thinks simliarly to the way I do. After the drills were over she whooped me 5-0 in like 30 seconds, but it was fun all the same. After that I fenced Nicole and got my butt whooped. It was interesting to see such a distinct style difference between the two top eppeists.(I dont' know if they are actually the top, but I know they're the top women so that's all that matter to me). After Nicole I fenced with Ward, got my butt whooped, and then got a Ward informational session. So much stuff to work on, I love it. Then to top the already awesome night off, I got to wrestle with Trevor. Trevor is a huge man, weighing about 80 pounds more than me. I didn't have to worry about hurting him so it was great fun. I held my own pretty well too, at least I like to think so and it ended on a mutual stop. So I was happy til I found out I lost my earring back, again. I hope I don't lose this earring, I dont' have anymore and would have to go buy another one.

Hmmm, mostly productive day today, went to Math and turned in the homework then spent an hour killing time on campus so that I could get paperwork signed. Filled out a whole bunch of paperwork, but I think that the CPBDC will get money. Agenda items all filled out. Sandy and I put up a bunch of fliers on campus for the Rhumba workshop. We need to soon get Waltz fliers up too. At least by Tues next week, preferrably sooner. Well I'm really tired, I think there was something else that I wanted to type about, but I can't remember. Maybe it's that Mary and I are talking a lot more and it doesn't hurt when I talk to her anymore. Yeah that was probably it, I can full heartedly accept the just friendship and it's a wonderful freedom. Good night all.

Sunday, February 16, 2003

Oh on another griping note

I dont' think that mail comes tomorrow and the office wont' be open anyway. So the check that has been in the mail since about Tues or Wed will get here the earliest of Tues, which is when I'm supposed to register at 7am. So I can't pay my tuition and my really good priority gets wasted. GAAHHHHHH!!!!!! Ok to bed for real this time.

Tournament in Review

Well I broke my streak. It's been two days now (because it's after midnight) that I haven't written in my blog. Am I back up to my old habits? We'll see...but as for the tournament...

IT WAS SO AWESOME!!! I enjoyed it so much. So the way it starts out is they put me in a pool of 5 other fencers and I got to fence each one of them. The first two bouts I had we had these really nice people that were really crappy at directing. So I was ready to cry after losing my second bout. It's really difficult to know something and have to swallow that whole to accept what someone else says. GRRRRRR! But then someone smiled on me and a new director was sent to us. Very professional, very good. My next 3 matches, even though I lost one, were complete bliss. My score for pools was 2-3 (is that right order? What I mean is I won 3 and lost 2). After pools comes direct elimination. That is just as it sounds, you lose once you're out. I won my first one 10 to 3. Easy bout. It was the next one that really irked me. Though I hadn't been dominating the match, I had been in control. The score got up to 9-7 me. The bout goes to 10. I scored a touch, the judges didn't see it that way. I couldn't get another one in. She won. GWAHHHHAHARR!!!!! (yell of agony). I talked to her after the match and she said that I had very definitely landed that touch. Grrr, again. But oh well. I ended up placing 10 out of 25, so not bad after 6 weeks. Especially since the people I had been fencing had all fencing for the last 5 months or so. Yay me. I also made some new friends. God bless road trips, which I must give a shout out that Chelsea's mom rocks. Same with Patrick's parents.

On to today, or yesterday as the case seems to be. Today was somewhat advernturous, but highly unproductive as far as academics are concerned. I woke up pretty late. I got up and ate some breakfast, took a shower, and sat down at my computer to do some work. Then I get an IM and to go over to Sandy's and I went over there and we all talked for awhile, then I decided we should go see Daredevil because I had a free ticket (it wasn't just for X-men 2). So we got a few other ballroom-underground people to go. We also went to dinner at Golden China Buffet. That was way good. Then we came back and I went home to another IM from Mary. She asked if I wanted to accompany her to get fish food and then maybe do some ice cream afterwards. I said sure. So she came and picked me up and it was good. We talked a whole lot and we go ice cream, which is a funny story. See she was asking me what kind I wanted, I told her something fruity and she said she had chocolate chip mint at home. I told her that worked and so she was looking at a strawberry ice cream saying it looked good and reached and grabbed the ice cream right next to it. I didn't see what that was until we got home. IT WAS ALMOND MOCHA FUDGE!!!! I was way excited, I hadn't had that in so long and I told her I wanted that instead of CCM. Oh it was so goooooood. Anyway, we watched Disney's Tarzan and talked a lot to each other and it was good. I really wish that things had worked out different between us because she is really so wonderful but I'm going to take her friendship. She was really awesome to me at the tournament because I was feeling so low and I got sick (I was cold, I only get cold if I'm sick) so I'm going to take all that she'll give. On the car ride back to my place she asks me these following questions:

If you could date any Disney character, who?
If you could be any Disney Hero, who?
If you could be any Disney Villian, who?
If you could be any Disney supporting character, who?

She's so great. Errrrrrrrrr. Anyway my answers in order were, Belle, Aladdin or Hercules, probably Hades, and I couldn't think of who, maybe timon. Give me your answers. After that, it was really odd. It was like she really didn't want me to go or to leave, but she wasn't making any moves to tell me that. There was one of those pauses where it was really a good exit, and so I said I should let her go sleep and I went back to Sandy's because I said I would watch Emperor's New Groove with them (yes that's 3 movies in one day). By the time I got there it was about 11:45. I don't think we actually started before midnight, but oh well. So I ended up being very comfortable during the movie. I had one girl on either arm and was all wrapped up in a blanket and had a pillow for my head. It was quite comfy. The movie was good too. I hadn't seen it all the way through before that.

After the movie I came back home to my internet being turned off due to my roomate becoming paranoid about security again. He turned on WEP and windows software is apparently really stupid when it comes to WEP so at 2:30 in the morning when I wanted to be typing in this instead of at 3:30 right now. I was trying to get my internet working again, with Sean's help. Anyway it is working now and all is good. I am now going to sleep because I have drumline at 10am. Good night.

Thursday, February 13, 2003

We're famous

Apparently on the crime round up section of the Mustang Daily (though they dont' have that section on the online version, grrrr), the theft of our sandwhich board was recorded. On a hopeful note, it was recorded that the board had been recovered, I however did not recieve a call from them, so I will give them a ring tomorrow to see if the rumor is true.

So I splurged today. I was sold by the tempting tactics of corporate bunch. I am a consumer whore. So here what I got. I bought 3 DVD's. Now in purchasing both "Bourne Identity" and "Blue Crush" I am now able to get 2 DVD's for only $2.96. Yay!!! The third DVD is X-Men 1.5 which comes with a free movie ticket for X-Men 2. Yay!!! Total spent now 60 dollars for 3 DVD's. Total cost after recieved benefits, 60 dollars for 5 DVD's and an 8 dollar movie. Still somewhat pricey, but a good deal if I've ever seen one.

Though I rarely get time to talk to anyone online, I do keep tabs on the people and I have noticed lately that there has been no Pam. It's quite disconcerting to look down and see no Pam. I dont' know why, but she is just always there and now she's not. Very disconcerting.

On another note, I got a message from Sammot today. I love Sammot. She is going to be with me for the rest of my life and me for hers. I can say a lot mroe on that, but I rather just tell her. So yeah, I got a message from her. Tomorrow is the Phoenix Pirates District Swim meet. Everyone keep good positve vibes flowing for the team. I'm a legacy and still a feel a strong attachment to the team. So everyone wish them luck!!!!

Today was another productive day. I spent probably an hour in the Epicenter getting paperwork and filling paperwork out and tomorrow I get to go and get paperwork signed by our sponsor. I have about 5 pages that I need her to sign. I've also called the the teachers for lessons next quarter, left a message with Bill Loper about Oddfellows, sent out the calendar for everyone's approval, helped to get a price approved for the dance on March 8th, and I washed my clothes with the exception of my socks a few white shirts. I did however wash my fencing jacket, I'm hoping and praying it gets dry before tomorrow.

Which is a perfect segue to my next topic. Tomorrow at about 5:30 I leave for the first fencing tournament that I will compete in. It's at UC Berkeley and has a section just for beginners or people with under a year of experience. I'm way excited. If I make it into the top 8 I get to fence electric. Woohoo!! I've never done that before. Though my hopes of getting that are very minimal because of the simple fact that most of the intermediate class, whom I will be fencing, can whoop on me pretty well. So we'll see how it goes. Adrenaline is a beautiful thing and has helped me out well in the past.

And looking at the time, a Happy S.A.D. to you all. That's Singles Awareness Day. The one time of year where everyone in the country makes it more and more acutely obvious to you that you are single. Luckily, I will be driving in a car talking computer talk with Patrick in the evening time and will keep myself busy in the day with the fencing fundraiser. My mom sent a heart of "Mon Cheri" chocolates for me to give to our Landlady.(She is so cool, she knows our apartment on sight, if not by name, and she has parrots, which today I learned are of the breed African Grey. Supposedly one of the smartest breeds out there. Anyway back to my story) So I have taken this heart and in fact in a couple of minutes will be placing a note on it saying Happy Valentine's day from Apartment 80, and then setting it out on her porch. That way I dont' feel awkward giving her a valentines gift and my mom's goal is still accomplished. Yay!!! Well that's all now. Good morning.
Posted by cthrax at February 14, 2003 12:50 AM

Hey there cutie! Sorry I haven't been 'online' (a.k.a. leaving my screen name signed on for you to leave messages to, though I never receive them and ALSO, sir, I never receive e-mails from such man who is disconcerted about how I am never online, pssh!) but my computer got stolen by Russian pirates and I got it back today, luckily unharmed but in need of a little repair.

Argh :)

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

No listening for you...

So I told this guy earlier in the day jokingly "No more talking for you." Later in the day we're sitting in the car and I'm in the front seat, he says "Myles, open your door." Unfortunately, everyone but me had seen the biker coming down the side of the street next to the car. With my normal luck, I managed to open the door just in time to hit the biker and potentially cause serious harm, but also with the other side of my luck there was nothing more than a few scratches on the bike, a few chips in the paint of bubble, and some mental anguish. It was really like something you see in Jack Ass or something like that. I couldn't believe I did it. Everything was alright though, and is actually in another week or so going to be a rather humerous story. Right now, I can't believe it happened though. Ah well, no harm no foul.

Today was a really long, but rather productive day. I left the house at 1 (after having been back for a few hours from class) and then didn't get home til about 12:30. The ballroom officer meeting was slightly productive today. It was more productive after the meeting, but oh well. It looks like I'll have a finalized schedule for next quarter by friday. That would be way cool, because then I could tell Bill Loper when we need Oddfellows.

Also today I went to a meeting in place of Stephanie. The "Interclub Council." It just so happens that the meeting was really very useful. It also just so happens that it was election night for officers. You're now reading the blog of the new Vice-Chairman of the Interclub Council. Yay me. Or not. Luckily the club only meets once a month.

Tonight we had a ton of guys show up to Madonna. In fact, we had Dan show up for the first time since like spring last school year. He also brought a long a few friends of his. One of which was very gung ho about helping the ballroom club and figuring out marketing campaigns. Way cool!!! We can always use help. I'm kind of iffy about it, but I think that I want to run for president for the next term. I also want to nominate Sandy as my VP. She's a great publicist, but she is too hands on to be limited by publicizing. I'm hoping that I'll be able to count on the new Sean guy (Dan's friend) as an officer for next term and put him in as publicist. My first impression of him is very business-like and professional, also seems like he is a man of action. Action is always good to have on an officer board. So we'll see how that goes.

After Madonna a bunch of us, including Chris and Jeff, went to Hudson's and we had a very motivating talk about changes that could/should occur in the club. I think that it is mostly these ideas that have made me want to run for president of the club. I want to see these things through, and know that I would really enjoy it. I think that my involvements with other clubs is going to be going down dramatically next school year. So taking on the (added?) responsibility of president will be something that I can handle. Well that's all for tonight.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Reconnaissance Mission

Sometime during winter break some people thought that it would be funny to go and steal a bunch of sandwhich boards from Dexter lawn. One of those sandwhich boards belonged to the Cal Poly Ballroom Dance club, and it just so happens that the people living next door to the culprits are brothers in the Iota Pi chapter of Kappa Kappa Psi, to which I belong. I was finally given information on Sunday about the whereabout of the aforementioned sandwhich board and tonight half the club went to retrieve it. We get to the place and a girl answers the door. I let her know that I'm from the CPBDC and she noticeably flinches when I say that. We then ask if she knows anything about it, with a huge hesitancy in her voice she says that she didn't live there. We are then informed that all the true residents of the household are sleeping. Even though all the lights are on and we have seen people moving. So tomorrow morning I'm going to be giving the CPPD a call and seeing where I stand on this situation. Especially since I have three eyewitnesses to vouch for the fact the sandwhich board was there. We'll see what happens.

After our reconnaissance mission we stopped by Mary's lab to visit her and then went to Sandy's for cookies. Mary ended up joining us about the time that the cookies were done and then Patti came over with her roomate and some other guy, that was quite drunk, though surprisingly funny. I feel good today. I think tomorrow is going to be a much more productive day. We'll see.

Another day

So I had another day without class, well not entirely without class, I went to a little bit of Math, but I didnt' feel I needed to be there. My 7am was cancelled though. Woohoo!!! Unfortunately I didn't find this out til an hour of snoozing my alarm, after which I checked my e-mail and saw the notice. It was kind of good timing because for one reason or another, I was feeling in a social mood last night and went over to Sandy and Charm's place for way too long. I left there probably around 2 or something. I talked to Sandy about the comment that Mary made last night, and she put a whole different light on it, which makes me feel even more stupid for the way I reacted. Sandy said that I should take it as proof that she still likes me. I still don't know how that makes me feel better, and it makes why she broke up with me even more confusing, but I feel do feel a little better. Mostly I feel completely stupid for the way I have been acting. I'm going to try really, really hard not to do that anymore and to just pretend I was never hurt.

I think that I've also found the source of my lethargy. When I was with Mary, I saw how organized she was or how she got everything done and had time for me and because of my procrastination I was always having to do stuff when she had time. So I started saying to myself that I was going to get things in order like she had it so that I had as much time for her as she had for me. I think I just lost that drive and now I have to find a new drive. People often say you should do things for yourself, but I can't do it just for myself. I never think of just myself, so my mind doesn't work like that. That's all I have for now, I'm off to fencing soon.

Monday, February 10, 2003

Harlem Globetrotters

So as I mentioned I went and saw the Harlem Globetrotters tonight. I wasn't expecting anything and it was great. There was this guy named showbiz or something like that. He was so hilarious. The team interacted with the audience a lot, which was way cool. Made me wish I had jumped on getting tickets sooner though. There was a lot of kids there, and it was mostly them who went out on the floor anyway, so I wouldnt' have been picked, but the chance might have been there...

So as we were sitting watching the team, she says to me, "It isn't fair, your shoulder looks so comfortable. Especially since I'm so tired." What am I supposed to say or do with a statement like that in my current state? I glossed over that statement, but now wish that I had invited her to use it. What a tangled skein we weave.

Sunday, February 09, 2003

This Morning

Well I woke up this morning with wounds as painful and deep as the first day that it happened. I thought sleep was going to help, but it didn't appear to. I hate to do it but I need to talk to her again. I still have questions to ask. I feel so stupid. She is so completely over it and I'm going to get annoying soon with my petiness. I dont' want to lose her as a friend. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Saturday, February 08, 2003

The party

So yeah, I'm not as well off as I thought I was. Not seeing her for a few days led me into a false sense of security that I was fine. Or maybe it was just that I had been tired and that's what it was. Either way, I was not feeling happy in the pit of my stomache. I've also got a new worry to add to the list. Things were psuedo semi quasi demi akward when talking to her. I dont' want things to be akward, but will I be able to get over myself enough to keep that from happening? I really like her a lot, and I don't want to lose her friendship, but if I make things akward evertime we're in the same place together...that could cause issues. Why does life have to be so complicated? I gave advice last night, now I need to follow it.

Time come, time gone,
but still memory goes on.
The images of the past,
are real and always last.

Now is often lost,
but what is the cost?
An important meeting,
someone that must be seen.

The time for one's own self,
often times is put on the shelf.
Ample regrets, tortured tasks,
waiting to see who asks.

The turmoil stays inside,
making me cower and hide.
A mask will be worn
to cover a heart; beaten and torn.

The days go on for everyone,
the heaviness of thought, a ton.
What to do in that day,
only you can say.

I felt like trying creativity again. Not that I'm much good at it, but it works.


Well today was the first armoring session that I have been to. It was kind of neat, I got to learn more clearly how the electric weapons work, and how the box decides who scores and who is off target and whatnot. It's good stuff.

Unfortunately though I did not get much sleep last night, I especially didn't get any REM sleep. So I was cranky. I tried not to show it to anyone, but it came off a few times. I felt better about that though, because I wasn't the only one who was cranky. Jenny, the president of fencing, was extremely cranky. In fact, it was her crankiness that caused mine on several occasions. She was adamantly more vocal about it though. Apparently, sitting down and making bows from ribbon, and decorating vases was not what Jenny wanted to be doing.

I'm going to be going to a party tonight at Chris's house tonight. Mary is probably going to be there. I'm not sure how I feel about that right now. I mean, I'm not sure how I will act. Especially in my state of tiredness. I always get so depressingly emotional when I haven't slept enough. I think it's mostly that my brain is tired and I can't keep my reign tight. Oh well we'll see.

I got creative once when I was in a similar state of mind. Take it as you will.

In the mind are many secrets
As a box full of dark
But emotion is the piercing light
The light within the heart

The sun rises
Chasing away the night
But darkness comes,
Again to hide the light

Time edges forward
Without ending
The eye knows only
The darkness is descending

The sun rises
The night comes once more
Time continues moving
Life stops and asks “What for?”

The heart knows
The mind can lie
The light falls
And blinds the eye

Thursday, February 06, 2003


This past quarter the ballroom dance club has been steadily on a downhill run. I knew it, and the people that attended regularly knew it, but nothing was being done about it. Because I am available to talk (and cuz I like to think I'm a nice guy to talk to) people came to me with the complaints of how things were running. I finally got fed up with getting told how things should be done and having to explain that it's not my place and that our President hasn't done anything about it. So I took charge. I have scheduled weekly officer meetings, I run the meetings, I do all the paperwork I contact the people, and assign work to be done so that everything runs smoothly. It's hard to salvage in the middle of the quarter though. I'm scrounging right now to get places and people for events so that there is some semblance of something going on. Upon my acquisition of responsibility a new publicist was elected and she has been working her butt off for us to get fliers made so that things will be publicized in plenty of time before the event. At the officer meetings we have come up with ideas and things that need to get done, people are assigned tasks, and the tasks get done. It's a beautiful thing. It's a shame that all the officer boards I'm a part of didn't run like that...

Spent some time working on the Tuba webpage today. I've been getting harped on enough to do that. You can check it out at Granted it's just a start, because of lack of content, but hey, it works. It only took me an hour or so too. You get what you put into it.

I went to Madonna last night. Thankfully Mary still showed up, I was only marginally worried that she might not. She was looking remarkably stress-free. In fact, more stress free than I've seen her in about the last 2 weeks. It's good to know that I could at least cater to that need of hers. I think the worst part was seeing how radiant she looked, all dressed up, seeing a smile on her face and knowing that none of it was because of me.
I've grown numb again.
I've felt so lethargic all day today and have rather pessimistic thoughts on life. I'm back to where I was 6 months ago. At least I know I don't change. The mask is still there to cover me and fits into place so naturally. Maybe that's why it feels like so few people really know anyting about me.

It's too bad that the only times I write in this journal is when I have sad depressing things on my mind and am dumping it out. Oh well, you guys are the ones reading it. Mayhap someday something happy will be on here.

"It's better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all."
"Try it."

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

In the end...

Well I haven't written in this in a really long time as you all can see, but I have something to write about right now. Since I haven't been keeping of all you in blog land up-t0-date I have a little story for you.

In the entries "First Day" and "Christmas" I mentioned that there was a girl in my life that I thought had huge possibility. I also mentioned that I was going to be taking things slow cuz there was no need to rush. Well I guess I just don't know what slow is. Anyway, on the 8th of January Mary and I started officially dating. She was so amazing, so wonderful and everything that I have been looking for. She is independant, yet she would cling to me. She kissed and thinks like I do. She would play my games, she would make fun of me but follow it up with a compliment and something to make up for it, which is the way it should be. And she is soooo incredibly cute. Everytime I saw her she would be bubbling over and looked like she was every bit as giddy as I was. I had really thought I found a match for me. Everything I had ever wanted to happen in my social life had come true and I was on cloud 9. I should have known though. Sometimes I think I'm just supposed to suffer. Last night we talked. Even though for that 4 days short of a month that we were dating, I was giving 100% of me and pouring everything I had into the relationship. She wasn't happy. She had doubts and confusion. I never got any hint of this til very recently, but it was there the whole time. I knew I was just kidding myself when I found someone so wonderful that was interested in me and was right here, right at the same place. Anyway, she told me that she wasn't ready for a boyfriend that she needs to find who she is. That's understandable I guess. Well not really, I don't even begin to understand it. She told me that she does like me and that I'm wonderful, but she doesn't want to be my girlfriend. My whole life I've never understood the appeal of being single. As I'm sure most of my previous entries are attest to. I had however resigned myself to the fact that I was single before I met Mary. Even after I had met her I didn't want to believe that any girl would like me, but she kept making all the right signs like she did. Still I didn't want to believe, right up to the point where she told me she liked me. There's so much pain inside right now, but I get to go back to my younger years. I get to put on the mask and forget that I have a shredded, blended, and broken heart beating inside of me. "It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine."