Wednesday, February 05, 2003

In the end...

Well I haven't written in this in a really long time as you all can see, but I have something to write about right now. Since I haven't been keeping of all you in blog land up-t0-date I have a little story for you.

In the entries "First Day" and "Christmas" I mentioned that there was a girl in my life that I thought had huge possibility. I also mentioned that I was going to be taking things slow cuz there was no need to rush. Well I guess I just don't know what slow is. Anyway, on the 8th of January Mary and I started officially dating. She was so amazing, so wonderful and everything that I have been looking for. She is independant, yet she would cling to me. She kissed and thinks like I do. She would play my games, she would make fun of me but follow it up with a compliment and something to make up for it, which is the way it should be. And she is soooo incredibly cute. Everytime I saw her she would be bubbling over and looked like she was every bit as giddy as I was. I had really thought I found a match for me. Everything I had ever wanted to happen in my social life had come true and I was on cloud 9. I should have known though. Sometimes I think I'm just supposed to suffer. Last night we talked. Even though for that 4 days short of a month that we were dating, I was giving 100% of me and pouring everything I had into the relationship. She wasn't happy. She had doubts and confusion. I never got any hint of this til very recently, but it was there the whole time. I knew I was just kidding myself when I found someone so wonderful that was interested in me and was right here, right at the same place. Anyway, she told me that she wasn't ready for a boyfriend that she needs to find who she is. That's understandable I guess. Well not really, I don't even begin to understand it. She told me that she does like me and that I'm wonderful, but she doesn't want to be my girlfriend. My whole life I've never understood the appeal of being single. As I'm sure most of my previous entries are attest to. I had however resigned myself to the fact that I was single before I met Mary. Even after I had met her I didn't want to believe that any girl would like me, but she kept making all the right signs like she did. Still I didn't want to believe, right up to the point where she told me she liked me. There's so much pain inside right now, but I get to go back to my younger years. I get to put on the mask and forget that I have a shredded, blended, and broken heart beating inside of me. "It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine."

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