Saturday, March 22, 2003

First day of freedom!!

My first day of freedom was not spent at all like I had anticipated. It started off great, friday night I went over to Lisa's house for a litte gathering, after of course watching the most unfulfilling season finale to SG-1. Upon returning went over to Sandy and Charm's house to watch "The Emperor's New Groove" again. Whilst I was leaving I came up with what seemed like a good idea. So that idea is why I woke up at 9:30am after being up til 3am the night before. We went out to breakfast at IHOP and it was most excellent. Always good fun to hang out with them.

My plans for the day from there were going to be to go on "Walkabout." Unfortunately that did not happen, I did however learn some of the intricacies of recompiling my Linux kernel. I then watched some TV (Waterworld, shortly followed by the highly dissappointing and complete utter waste of time, Riverworld) and now feel very restless. I think tomorrow will be a either a walkabout day or a go see parts of the town I haven't seen. I'm so antsy! This is why I always do so much. I've only had one day of freedom and look what I'm doing with myself. I know there's a bazillion things that I need/want to do.

It's amazing to me how many people have left already. There are so many people that are so anxious to get back home. I still have a slight longing for that desire. To have my home be a place that I want to be in. I don't know that it will ever happen. At least not the place that is still home in my mind. I have my dreams of a happy home in the future though. So many dreams... The other part of having time on my hands is that I'm also left alone with my thoughts. I wonder how much control my mind actually has on me. I do things sometimes that I still wonder why I did them. How do I make my internal resolutions, a reality? So far, I've sucked it up at every turn. I always turn out alright granted, but it would be nice to have that self-control and self-inspired determination.

I once was told by someone that I "have everything together." When that was mentioned to me I was taken aback, I don't feel like I have anything together. Especially when I see so many people around me that do have it together, my roomate, Mary, Sandy, Pam, the list goes on. There's something holding me back. Some ominous presence that I have to climb over anytime I try and change this downfall of mine. For short periods of time (a few weeks) I can muster the energy everytime to struggle over, but then I just lose all my energy and don't have the gumption to do it anymore. I guess that is one of the struggles I must overcome or figure out how to make work for me. Good night all.

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