Wednesday, July 21, 2004

We interrupt this program....

I figured there wasn't much sense in finishing that last entry. I was at work when I started it, and then after I was interrupted I never really got around to finishing it. I thought that I would finish it now, but I'm in a completely different state of mind and I don't think I can express now what I was feeling then. I was in a really strange mood that day, which is hard to describe now. Basically I had been thinking about my life- where I had been in life, where I was, and where I wanted to go. I think that I am happier now than I was a year or two before, but it's a different kind of happiness. Life is more complicated now. And while I do have a lot more on my mind, a lot more that I worry about, etc., I still have a kind of satisfaction that I never had before. I don't feel that deadness inside anymore. I guess that I really have been depressed for the last few years. People kept telling me I was, and suggesting that I see someone about it, but I never wanted to. I didn't care enough. I resented them for even suggesting it, and distanced myself from them. Which made it even worse. I was afraid of everything, and I kept my emotions and my true personality locked far far away from everyone around me. I hated how good I was getting at putting on my emotional mask. I felt like I was playing a role, and I did it for so long that I couldn't distinguish between the person I was and the person I was portraying to the world. But now I'm learning to let go a little bit. I'm learning about who I am, and that it's ok to let other people see that person. It certainly hasn't been easy. I don't think I can describe how frightening it's been, or how difficult. But I'm beginning to notice now that I feel different inside. I feel like the things I was trying to describe in that last entry, like the sun is rising after darkness. It's a very difficult feeling to put into words.

I think that if I really have been depressed the past few years, then this new feeling I have is the depression evaporating away. I know that I still have a long way to go, but this is the beginning. And for the first time in my life, I'm not afraid of that. That's a big thing for me; not being afraid. I'm starting to think about what I want my life to be like, rather than what I think it should be, or comparing myself to my peers and this invisilble, unspoken standard of how a successful life should be. That standard has caused me a lot of grief for years now. It started in high school. The expectation, the pressure I felt from the adults around me that I should get good grades, get into a good school, get a good education, get a good job, have a career, make lots of money so I can support a family, send my own kids off to school, and start the cycle all over again. This timeline of how life is supposed to go. You go to school for X number of years, then start working, get yourself established... The all-important, all-consuming goal of getting a Good Education. For a long time, I believed it. I had perfect grades, honors in every class, graduated high school at 16. I still remember how they made such a fuss over me as I won awards, had my name on academic acheivement lists, everyone treated me like I was some kind of prodigy. Then they patted me on the back and sent me off to college with this idea that I was going to go places, do big things, that I was somehow ahead of the game. What game? Are we keeping score of who takes what classes and gets what degree when? Why is it that everyone is always asking me, "so, where do you go to school? What's your major? Where are you headed academically? What do you plan to do with your life?" Where did this idea come from that college is preparing you for your future, that somehow your life doesn't begin until after you graduate? The last time I checked, I was living NOW. Right here. Today. I already am living my life, and I don't need a degree to do it. Yes, I would like to have one someday, but I don't think now is the right time. I've recognized this expectation in myself, this unconscious standard that I hold myself to- that's why I've struggled so much with the thought that school isn't for me right now. It felt like I was breaking a law, that I'm some sort of a failure because I'm not pouring my life into getting The Degree. But I'm starting to allow myself to be at peace with this decision I'm making. I know that its what's right for me right now. And if that doesn't line up with society's standards, I don't care.

Ok, so that was a big 'ol long speech, huh? I wonder if anyone's gonna read it and think I've gone crazy. Maybe. I don't know. But it's what's on my mind today. I've got a final tomorrow morning and I've been wrestling with myself trying to decide if I should sign up for classes next quarter. I don't think I will. It's gonna be different, but I'm going to try it. It will be a relief to just be living my life again.

Lots of stuff has happened besides just my deep thinking and communing with my deeper emotions. But I'll leave that for another entry. For now, we will return you to your regularly scheduled programming....

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Yard!

So Kim and I have been working on that yard a lot and it's starting to look really good. Pulling weeds, trimming flowers, moving plants, and raking leaves. I also went out and bought Tiki torches to light up the yard at night, it's going to look really good back there really soon. Kim and I are also working on getting the plants we bought put in back there. It's a slow process.

Well that's all. I started moving in this morning, it's kind of exciting, but it's going to be a lot of work, that's for sure. I hate moving.

Monday, July 19, 2004

The Sun Rising

All my recent entries have been pretty dark and depressed. I was just looking them over and frowning at them. It's pretty much what I've been doing the past week or two, I've been reflecting. I've reflected on my life, and the changes I've been going through. So many things have happened to me, I almost can't believe it. I've changed so much, too. These past days as I've looked back at myself a year ago- what I was like and how my life was- I've been flooded with memories. Don't get me wrong, life wasn't horrible. I had many many good things that happened to me, and lots of good feelings but there was a lot of sadness, too. Loneliness. The kind of dreary feeling you get on those cold, misty mornings in early spring when everything is all washed out from an overly-long winter. You know in your head that it can't last forever, but you feel in your heart that there won't be any end to it, that winter's cold and dark will last forever and you'll never feel the sun again. I've been looking back and remembering that feeling. It was with me all the time, but now I'm realizing that it isn't there anymore. Yeah, sure, sometimes I'm sad about things, or cranky, or just plain its-that-time-of-the-month moody. But I never really knew that I was depressed until it began to lift. It's like the sun rising over the clouds. It's the sudden moment of clarity you feel as you find the answer to a difficult problem or puzzle. It's waking up from uncomfortable dreams and realizing that its ok, you're safe.


I gotta get back to work. Hold that thought, I'll finish it later....

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Look to the left

I thought it was funny the jump in 2003 under my archives. You should look. You might find it funny too.

The day After

Well yesterday turned out to be a smashing success. Everything worked out perfectly as far as timing. Kim and I got some plants at the Nursery. We also ended up getting our pictures taken. So in about 3 weeks we should have some professional portraits of the two of us that will look really good. I'm way excited and so is Kim.

I, Robot turned out to be really good. I was impressed. I've always been a fan of Will Smith and this wasn't a dissappointment. Of course, Asimov's story was great to begin, so it would have taken a lot to ruin that. But I definitely give it a 4 out 5.

Oh, and dinner, very good. Very expensive, but very good. The total bill ended up being about 85 bucks. Luckily, Kim's mom gave her a $50 gift card so it made that affordable. We had Creme Brulee at the end and it was, oh, so good.

Ok that's all for now. More on the yard later.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Happy Anniversary

Well today is Kim's and mine's first real anniversary. Today has been 1 year that we are dating and I never imagined a year ago how much in love with her I would be today. She's everything to me.

I've got planned a fun-filled day today of going to a Nursery, then going and getting portraits, then we're going to dinner at McPhee's in Templteton, then to see I, Robot, and finally making visit to "our spot." It's going to be a wonderful day. Maybe I'll blog again tomorrow, but just thought that I should let you all know, all 3 of you that is, what I'm doing today :).

Friday, July 16, 2004

memories

memories are everywhere. I feel them, I see them, I hear them. What do I do now, that I have everything I ever hoped for? I remember back in the time before I was rich, when I was poor and had no hope for a better future. I didn't expect such wonderful things to happen to me then. I can hardly beleive it even now. Every day is better than the next. But I still remember.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

>_

To go to school...

or NOT to go to school....

That is the question.

Whether 'tis better for my transcript to SUFFER the pains and arrows of boring classes,

Or to TAKE ARMS and join the unending work force in ceaseless toil- and in so doing, make money?

Monday, July 12, 2004

the agony and the.... agony

yeah my boss told me to go home today. She didn't want to catch the stomach flu, which I was showing symptoms of catching. I don't blame her. I didnt mean to catch it, I think it got me. But however it happened, I'm sick. I feel so awful its not even funny. I'm wavering between trying to hold it down and just wanting to get it over and done with. I hate nausea. Its just plain gross, and makes you feel more gross the worse it gets. Every single little thing I smell makes me feel worse, too. Even my watered-down apple juice. Man, this sucks. You know what the worst part about it is, besides the physical discomfort, is that I have to miss choir practice tonight. I am so annoyed with that it's beyond words. See, remember that solo I've been working so hard at the past few weeks? Tonight was my night to take a crack at it. I've been preparing for this daily for the past several weeks, and now on the night that I finally get the chance I've been hoping for, I have the stomach flu.

Just the thought of it makes me sick.

No wait....

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

sleepless in slo

Yeah, I can't sleep. For a few nights in a row now, I've been waking up at 4-5 or so and I haven't been able to go back to sleep. I toss and turn and feel miserable. I don't know why. My mind has been really active lately. I'm thinking a lot about where I'm going in life. For a long time now I've been struggling with the question of "what to do" with my life. Mostly for school, of course. What classes do I take, which major do I want, what degree do I shoot for? The problem is that I've never really been that motivated in school. I know I can do a whole lot better than I do. I'm certainly smart enough. I just don' 'ave eh gumption. I really honestly don't see school helping me that much. There are so many other things that are important in my life that I give my time and attention to. And now I think I might have finally found the career path I want to take, and school isn't a part of that. The possibility is presesnting itself at work that I might be trained as an optician. That's something that you traditionally learn on the job, there are probably only a handful of school programs in the entire country. After apprenticing for two years, you are eligible to sit for the national boards and receive a licence. All without a college degree. Its a job that I think I would really enjoy. It certainly doesn't bring home six figures a year, but I'd be able to get along quite nicely. So I sit up at night and think about that. I know that I've been fed since high school the idea that I should go to college and I should get a degree. But if my life and career are going down a path that doesn't require that, then why should I? I feel almost like I'm blaspheming by saying that. My old high school teacher must be getting a cold chill right now. But that's the truth. Right now school is an extra in my life. It's draining my time, energy, and money. Sure, its an education, but I've never had problems educating myself in other ways. I love reading and trying new hobbies. So its not like if I leave school I'll fall into intellectual stagnation. *sigh* I think I'll go back to bed now, I'm done thinking about this for now. Besides, I've got a 7:30 class tomorrow.

>_

Monday, July 05, 2004

happy 4th!

So yesterday was the 4th of July. Yay! I had a lot of fun, more than last year. Of course I had Myles with me this year, so it was bound to be great no matter what. ;) I started the day out like I do every year by going to the Templeton parade with my family. This year there was a lot of stuff going on in the park, and the fire department was putting on a pancake breakfast, which was gooood. Mmmmm. Pancakes. So we found a shady spot and watched the parade go by for a while. It was the same as every year, fire trucks and classic cars and little kids riding by on bikes. I liked the equestrian units, its too bad there weren't more of them. I wish I could ride in a parade. I wish I rode my horses more period. But it was pretty good. After that was the classic family barbecue, complete with watermelon, corn on the cob, and mom's homemade potato salad. Oh gosh, you haven't lived until you've tried my mom's potato salad. Its so good. Let's see, then there was the watching of old kung-fu movies with my dad, and after that we went to Morro Bay and set up a bonfire so we could watch the fireworks. Blanketss, smores, sparklers, the whole bit. I love the 4th.

So what else. I don't think I've mentioned before that I've started a new vocal training program. I am trying so hard to get this one particular solo in our choir, but I don't know if my dad will ever give it to me, wether I earned it or not. See, I don't think that the other choir members will accept his decision if he decides I'm the best person to sing the solo, they'll just think that he's giving his daughter special treatment. Which he wouldn't be. I've been practicing so hard its not even funny. I sing almost every day, and I've been using this new program to help me expand my range. I think it's helping, too. So we'll see. I have a feeling he's going to ask me to sing it during practice tonight, he's asked all the other people who tried out to sing again except for me. I intend on blowing them all away. I want to do really really well, so everyone will see that I'm working really hard to improve on this. So wish me luck!

Myles wants his computer back, so I guess I'm done blogging.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Kim's Secret List

I used to have this list in my head of things that I wasn't allowed to do. That list was like the code by which I lived my life. I always thought it was a good thing, until recently. It used to be good because it kept me in line. My secret list gave me boundaries and I liked that. I like knowing the way things are supposed to be. But lately I've found myself throwing most of my secret list out the window. Some of it was dropped a long time ago, like "never let your boyfriend sweettalk you" (yeah right) and others I've given up more recently, like "always knock and wait for permission before you enter someone's personal house/apartment/room/space". I've had some people tell me I should just throw my list out the window completely. Maybe, I don't know. There's still some good stuff on it, though. Like "don't take cash to a department store, you'll end up spending it", or "don't ever stop saying I love you" or "never pet a burning dog". Wait. No, I don't think that last one's mine, it must belong to Myles. ;)

How can you tell the difference between wanting something because you think that's how it should be, and wanting something because you really want it? I don't think I can tell the difference. Or maybe I can and I just don't want to. I'm so conflicted. I'll have to start writing poetry and reading it in a monotone voice at street fairs. Maybe they'll make a documentary of my life, and sit there discussing the ways I expressed my anguished soul in my greatest works. I'm a visionary, you know. Ahead of my time. I'll win awards and prizes and have people stopping me on the street so they can tell me how moved they are by my poems. And long after I'm dead I will live on in my words, which will be discussed by scholars, philosophers, and deep thinkers, who will all nod their heads and act like they knew what the &$%@ I was talking about, never admitting that they don't have any more of a clue than I do myself. Yeah, I think I'll do that.

mmmm.... food.

I tried this recipe the other day, it was pretty good. Although I'd probably recommend sweetening the fruit if you make this, mine was pretty tart. I also used apricots instead of nectarines.

4 black plums, halved,pitted,cut in wedges
3 ripe nectarines, halved,pitted,cut in wedges
1/2 cup brown sugar, packed
1/3 cup flour
1/4 cup margarine
3/4 cup uncooked oats
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon

1. Lightly grease a shallow 2 quart baking dish.
2. Mix plums and nectarines, spread in dish.
3. Mix sugar and flour, cut in margarine with pastry blender.
4. Stir in oats.
5. Sprinkle mixture evenly over fruit.
6. Dust with cinnamon.
7. Bake at 350 degrees for 30-35 minutes.
8. Serve warm.

It's very good with ice cream!!