Thursday, July 01, 2004

Kim's Secret List

I used to have this list in my head of things that I wasn't allowed to do. That list was like the code by which I lived my life. I always thought it was a good thing, until recently. It used to be good because it kept me in line. My secret list gave me boundaries and I liked that. I like knowing the way things are supposed to be. But lately I've found myself throwing most of my secret list out the window. Some of it was dropped a long time ago, like "never let your boyfriend sweettalk you" (yeah right) and others I've given up more recently, like "always knock and wait for permission before you enter someone's personal house/apartment/room/space". I've had some people tell me I should just throw my list out the window completely. Maybe, I don't know. There's still some good stuff on it, though. Like "don't take cash to a department store, you'll end up spending it", or "don't ever stop saying I love you" or "never pet a burning dog". Wait. No, I don't think that last one's mine, it must belong to Myles. ;)

How can you tell the difference between wanting something because you think that's how it should be, and wanting something because you really want it? I don't think I can tell the difference. Or maybe I can and I just don't want to. I'm so conflicted. I'll have to start writing poetry and reading it in a monotone voice at street fairs. Maybe they'll make a documentary of my life, and sit there discussing the ways I expressed my anguished soul in my greatest works. I'm a visionary, you know. Ahead of my time. I'll win awards and prizes and have people stopping me on the street so they can tell me how moved they are by my poems. And long after I'm dead I will live on in my words, which will be discussed by scholars, philosophers, and deep thinkers, who will all nod their heads and act like they knew what the &$%@ I was talking about, never admitting that they don't have any more of a clue than I do myself. Yeah, I think I'll do that.

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