Monday, July 19, 2004

The Sun Rising

All my recent entries have been pretty dark and depressed. I was just looking them over and frowning at them. It's pretty much what I've been doing the past week or two, I've been reflecting. I've reflected on my life, and the changes I've been going through. So many things have happened to me, I almost can't believe it. I've changed so much, too. These past days as I've looked back at myself a year ago- what I was like and how my life was- I've been flooded with memories. Don't get me wrong, life wasn't horrible. I had many many good things that happened to me, and lots of good feelings but there was a lot of sadness, too. Loneliness. The kind of dreary feeling you get on those cold, misty mornings in early spring when everything is all washed out from an overly-long winter. You know in your head that it can't last forever, but you feel in your heart that there won't be any end to it, that winter's cold and dark will last forever and you'll never feel the sun again. I've been looking back and remembering that feeling. It was with me all the time, but now I'm realizing that it isn't there anymore. Yeah, sure, sometimes I'm sad about things, or cranky, or just plain its-that-time-of-the-month moody. But I never really knew that I was depressed until it began to lift. It's like the sun rising over the clouds. It's the sudden moment of clarity you feel as you find the answer to a difficult problem or puzzle. It's waking up from uncomfortable dreams and realizing that its ok, you're safe.

I gotta get back to work. Hold that thought, I'll finish it later....

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